NO MORE READER'S BONUS!!

If you want a postcard from India - too bad! ;-P

I need a BIG sleep...

... I've passed my 2 weeks away mark and in the past few days have felt the trip weigh on me a bit more. This and yet another delayed flight - departure after 10pm instead of the intended 8pm and this meant we (H&A) didn't get to the hotel until about 1am and another working day today (yes it's Sunday)... At least today H and I are splitting the day in half and I get the 2pm starting shift, which means I scored a bonus - cricket (India vs England) starts at 2:30pm - so no male students enquiring from then on (even my blue eyes can't compete with cricket).
So just a quick update for now, I'll write more later today and will post some photos/videos too, for those who prefer that (OK KP am getting sick of that one myself...). I've been working on that Indian English post I promised, and asked Helga to collect some specimens but she's been lazy and has so far only confirmed my findings, so maybe that post will also happen today (well , especially since I depart India for Sri Lanka tomorrow).
Later!

Stop slacking off!

I've been told that this morning by a person who enjoys those Kingfisher Bollywood movies (well at least the first half that she watched) and she can now do the head shake which she did at me on the plane! This threw me into such hysterics, it took a bit of time to control the laughter induced tears, and the person behind me must have wondered why the seat was shaking for so long. So, lots to update you on!

First, of all my work colleague arrived, hence I've had less time to spend on this. She has obviously started working on her head moves straight away - and I thought she was getting over jet lag! Ha - practicing in her room all that time!!
Well I've provided her with a nice and easy introduction into India - since I'm an old hand by now (for the dyslexics among you - old hand, not old HEN!). So on her second day in India we entered a burned building in search of someone we had an appointment with. This meant going up 4 floors, several times - since we could not find a nice alternative route to our destination and the lifts didn't work. She (my colleague - lets call her Helga - he he don't kill me!) didn't want to go down a completely dark corridor - fire caused power outage and there really wasn't a light at the end - she was worried that maybe the floor disappeared in the darkness... And my own inner light, to light up our path, wasn't enough for Helga... But an adventure it was - I tried to bring someone to the darkside and didn't succeed!

We then listened to me (how could she not) and rather than take a train between cities, we hired a car with a driver. Except when the car turned up it was quite cozy, driver didn't speak much English (though I translated well - old hand at this India stuff, again!) and we had to get over some mountains. Well, first we had to get out of Mumbai, and the extensive slums present there. So, I showed Helga how to slum through Mumbai! She loved it! Especially the mini car part, since she's a tall person!
Once we got out of Mumbai slums (2hrs) we hit the traffic jams and tried to go through short cuts (just as everyone else did) and we got stuck in traffic on the short cuts... When we came to the mountainous part, the aircon in the car stopped since the car could only cope with one task - cooling or climbing. So we sweated... I got punished in the end when the mini car hit a bump and I hit the roof - knocked some sense into me - next time take a train, I say now!!
Oh and Helga was rewarded (for her wisdom I suppose) her room was upgraded to a suite, with her own bar... and 2 bathrooms... and a dressing room...

The next day was my birthday and the world blessed me with my first case of Delhi Belly (DB)!! How nice! :-) I stayed in close vicinity of the bathroom, self-medicated and stopped eating altogether = symptoms subsided. Don't know what caused it, I took all precautions and Helga didn't get it.
But to celebrate my birthday we did the following:

• Went shopping in a cool Indian handicraft shop - my luggage is again over the limit.
• Helga bought me a bag that says - "Take me home. Happily Unmarried" - I'll have to take it to the Middle East! ;-)
• Hotel gave me a cake with a candle on it - we ate it with Helga, made me feel worse, she liked it.
• Helga ate lunch in my room (charged my account too!) while I hid elsewhere since I was starving and unable to eat... She also commented on how good the food was! But then her last bite included a chilli - he he! So she raided my mini bar for a drink - again on my account!
• The Kingfisher flight was going to be uneventful, except when they tried to charge me for excess luggage, I mentioned it was my birthday and got away with it (so did Helga!).
• The flight wasn't late at all and had Bollywood movies playing and H. did the head shake as I mentioned before.
• H. took me out to dinner, and I had LAMB! One should avoid meat to avoid DB but as H. correctly observed - it's not as if could get sick from it, I already was! So lamb was lovely!
• Oh and H. and I realised we were missing a flight in our itineraries - Kochi to Chennai - which would have been fun had we not noticed in time. I blame H. - she was supposed to check the flights after me!

I think that's it, if I remember anything I'll add it here. I also have some photos to add but will do it later - for those who look at this for the pictures - WAIT.
Thank you for all the Birthday wishes, absence of such have also been noted...

PS My dad posted a comment about my TALENT - in capitals! I think he very smart and always knows what he's talking about!! ;-)

Accepting incoming messages...

We all know what a 'special' day it is today. Let's all have a holiday! Especially me! But no, on this b-day - I get to fly Kingfisher airlines, they also make beer, it probably powers their planes, or is the only thing that keeps the pilot going!!
So this is my present to myself: Lotus Flower!
PS I've just had a road trip through slums, hell and Mumbai! I need a rest before I can face India again - I'll let you know about it tomorrow.

Gods in Mumbai?

I arrived in Mumbai early morning - 1:30am to be exact, rather than the supposed 10pm the previous night. How good is that - every transport option so far has been delayed...
It must be a lesson for me after going on about punctuality to those poor Polish people I used to teach - some evil karma joke from a Hindu god, I bet!

Talking about God and gambling...

I just wrote an email about god/religion to one of you and apologies for sharing my half-arsed philosophical discussions on an essentially 'travel' blog (but it's my blog...).

There are no gods.

I came to this conclusion last night between Mumbai airport and the hotel - being tired probably helped! (Also I had this idea reinforced again since for a while now, I've been a practising atheist). I was going past one of the many temples that are everywhere in the cities of India - some Hindu, some Christian and many mosques too - these places are really used in India, with incense, flowers and people praying at them, even at such late hour. And I looked at the povery around me, glimpses of it you must have seen in the videos I've posted, and wondered, how could these people belive? Obviously their gods aren't listening or maybe don't care? How could they allow those who give them so much - and I don't mean the incense or flowers, though that too, but all that belief, which surely must be the currency of faith - and get so little in return. Here I am, the non-believer, in luxury, health, happiness - however you measure that which matters - and the believers here are poor, dying of illnesses easily cured, maybe happy (but I don't buy that one can be happy lacking the basics)...

So I don't understand this belief in gods, obviously... But here's a picture of one - Ganesh god of happiness
Coincidence, luck and the dice make more sense. ;-)

Talking about gods… again…
I’m listening to the new RH album and almost cried/threw up/had shivers all over my body. It’s all so exciting – shiny new music – some of it sounds divine already some of it I’ll appreciate later and some of it will never get to me. But the joy of discovering it is thrilling. There are a lot of reversed sounds in this one, music playing backwards and the vocals are, as usual heavenly, as if an angel cried in anxiety at the end of the World. The entire feel of the album is very mellow and nostalgic, like saying a final goodbye. I’m thinking why this analogy came to my head? Must be stuff going on in my head on a higher level than my conscious self… Anyway, I wish I had a better sound than from the laptop.

Where’s the LOVE my friends?!

I show you wild and exotic places, risk my brain swelling (ex-hypochondriac in me is saying that could be encephalitis…) just by watching excessive head shaking, suffer delayed flights and mosquitoes galore and 2-TWO!!! bites (that same ex-hypo-c is reminding me of Japanese encephalitis B!), hell, I even embarrass myself by filming my tired self (albeit with a cool accent!) and what do I get in return?
Not an email… not a word… nothing.
OK I know you all have lives outside of mine, but come on, it is/was the weekend!
Well I hope it rained, wherever you are!
See this photo of me getting ready for work? No, it’s not here because of my snakeskin belt (yes real snakeskin! How cool is that! - best present ever!)
I’m posting it to show the above mentioned ex-hypochondriac peeking from behind my shoulder and whispering medical fears into my ear!

I’ve had a busy couple of days. I had to leave the sanctuary of my upgraded room and the care of my butler. I did manage to find a task for him… [slightly evil grin here]. He accompanied me to lunch so that he could act as my waiter and I asked him to show me the sights of Kolkata from the top floor window (it was only floor 5 though so the view was limited, yeah that and the smog!). As he did so I asked a lot of questions as I usually do...
‘And this is a very famous bridge, one of the oldest in Kolkata’ – he said.
When was it built? Why is it famous? What type of bridge is it? Who designed it? Do many people jump of that bridge?
By that time he just laughed and said he didn’t know.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t nasty, I told him in the end, it was a joke.
He also posted most of my purchases back to Australia so that my suitcase is 6kg lighter.
Here’s a video of wild Kolkata streets on my way back to the airport (once again no time for anything else!)

Now Kolkata airport deserves a mention – it’s an absolute mess!
Imagine a nice, punctual and clean German airport… got it? Now, imagine the exact opposite. Masses of people going in all random directions, random checkpoints through which you must pass but no-one tells you until you get to the next checkpoint and then they tell you, you don’t have some sticker on your luggage from the previous checkpoint. Then there are queues at every point and some of them you have to line up at but others you don’t and the guy with a gun yells at you to go through, except there’s no way to tell if you should line up or not. And in the middle of it all, there’s a Krishna guy dancing around in a circle and chanting and of course he’s a white guy, looked German actually...
So far, this was one Indian city I wouldn't mind spending a bit more time in! ;-)

Late last night I arrived in Hyderabad, which at least, has a very new and modern airport. The car that the hotel sent for me (since it was late) didn’t turn up… So when I called them they said it was delayed (do you see a pattern here?) and I had to wait an hour. While I waited I started talking to the hotel representative at the airport about Kolkata airport. He told me Kolkata airport is so bad because they’re all communists. That Kolkata is the Russia of India. Now that’s a novel idea! I asked for details but he failed to explain and instead told me the hotel he was representing (and where I was supposed to stay) was ‘ugly and not nice at all’.
I must say that played on my tired and feeble mind and by the time I arrived at the hotel, I thought it was dirty, old and noisy - not nice at all! The food I ordered (curry – what else?) was too spicy, the bed was hard and the pillow lumpy. I decided I didn’t like Hyderabad at all. If only they upgraded me to a better room, it would have been so much nicer… ;-) Only when I woke up this morning, did I see my stupidity. I actually slept well on my hard bed and the lumpy pillow. But didn't have time to re-examine as off to work I went…
I am now sitting at an airport, waiting for ANOTHER delayed flight to Mumbai… 3hrs and the clock’s ticking.
See ya tomorrow!

pots of gold in the fog

Do you think I'll fly out of Delhi or sit around for 9 hours??

12 hours later....

And there's a butler!!!
What can I get the butler to do? Any ideas?

And please no newspaper ironing, that's so British!

PS (newly added) I just forced myself to watch this 'video performance' and I've decided I have a cool accent! I always thought it was bad - like listening to yourself on the phone, you always think you sound so bad. Pretty good coming from my toughest critic!

1. Blog title? and 2. Late night pick-up lines

1. C'mon people! Literature! Wouldn't expect anything less from me, I hope!
J. Verne and a clever word play!!? The audiences these days... [shakes head - ha! Indian style!]

2. Tried to check-out from hotel early (or late) and since no people were around (because it really is late here), I got a compliment from reception man.
Apparently, my eyeballs are a beautiful colour!
I must say, his hair follicles were sweetly dense, though I'm not so forward as to compliment back... ;-)

Lost to found x 3

After the excitement of this morning (RH album in the bag - although my paypal account is blocked since some stupid criminal tried to access it from India), I spent the rest of the day working, getting lost and finding my way (although not in that order).
I walked downstairs from my hotel room today and asked for a taxi to the hotel where I was supposed to be working (why make it the same one, the adventurous side of me asks?).
It's just there - said the man who always seems like he doesn't want to be bothered.
And so it was, large and looming, about a block from me.
(There'd be a photo here if it was Playboy!)
Easy - I thought - I'll walk.
Well I got on the streets and encountered one of the many roundabouts and without trying to classify my path as left or right (too many options there), I looked up again and started walking in the general direction of hotel X.
First off, I had to take a small detour since a rabid looking dog was running my way and I could just see myself getting rabies shots in an Indian hospital...
(There'd be a photo here if it was Playboy!)
So I turned left or right (who cares?) and intended to follow that path around the block, turning the same direction at each corner.
But ha - clever me - without intending to, I found myself at the back of my intended destination, the hotel's back entry just in front of me. (There'd definitively be a photo here if it was Playboy!) So I tried to blend in and sneak in the gate and almost made it and I even had a plan of how I'd go through the kitchens or laundry rooms, pretending to be the 'no-lady-no-man' person, even making some cash on the way - but no... "Lady STOP" yelled the guard and he had a gun (security's tight after some hotel bombings) so I listened. He absolutely wouldn't let me through and said I had to get out on the street, turn left and enter through the proper entrance of the hotel.
Damn it.
So I followed directions turning some way which resembled left and had my bag and other possessions x-rayed as I entered the right hotel, at the right entrance (you're paying attention, I hope).
The end? I don't think so.
I asked for the directions to the Ballroom - where the event was held and strange looks resulted. The Ballroom? You want to dance? - one joker asked.
(There'd be a photo here if it was Playboy!)
I don't dance, I'm here for an exhibition -was my curt reply.
You'll need to ask someone else then, because I don't know - the joker replied.
You don't know? Do you work here or just provide comedy entertainment, you know, joke with the hotel guests? - I must admit, I was frustrated by now.
He called the duty manager, while I crossed my arms and stared at him frustrated, having rolled my eyes twice (in case he didn't understand my words, you see, I do INTERNATIONAL communication...)
Duty manager came (a woman, so she wouldn't try and joke with me - good!) and asked me what the problem was. I explained and almost said something about her staff having no idea, when she asked - Which hotel are you looking for?
Hotel X, of course. - I said, readying myself for more incompetence.
This is hotel Y, hotel X is outside, to the right and then left (or whatever, once again, who cares?!)
Thank you humbly, will do the needful - said I (We will have to do an entire lesson on Indispeak) and exited the wrong hotel.
I didn't rely on my direction or those left/right skills - I asked every terrified Indian, rabid dog and even a squirrel (no rabies, though the squirrel was worried about my health condition - mental health)
Is this the way to hotel X?
Found it, only 25 min late.
I took a rickshaw taxi back to my hotel - 10 rupees (22 cents).
(There'd be a photo here if it was Playboy!)
Oh and the work was fine too.
I met a really nice lady who told me all I didn't want to know about men from India - ladies, no marriage material here in case you were interested. ;-)
I wasn't either, but after my earlier petulance, I humbly listened.
Tomorrow Kolkata - a new beginning! ;-)

Oh oh oh (can't contain my excitement!!!)

The King of Limbs ...and then there will be a tour soon ... Berlin anyone?
Those who came to Berlin in 2008 - remember how much fun it was??
I still shiver all over this one!!
It's right up there in the top 3 favourite memories in my head!
Actually, there are 2 favourite memories and both Berlin related and 1 spot is still vacant - maybe it's this!?
(PS to Oli - Imagine how great P. will grow up to be after listening to this while devolping? This song esp created a charmed soul...)

Local markets

My dear friend and business partner has given me many missions for the time I'm here in India. Today, while investigating the first, I had my first taste of the craziness that's a local market (for real locals).
Yesterday, I asked my driver to show me some real Delhi markets, in between my meetings, but he only showed me some tourist shops. So last night I gave him a bit of homework, before he got to drive me around today (I also gave him a gift of real North Queensland grown tea I brought as gifts for people here - don't start on me about taking tea to China, I know what I'm doing). I wanted to get some India craft items but without getting the nasty tourist versions and paying the nasty tourist prices for them, so I asked Mr Driver to ask his wife where she would shop for such handicraft gifts and to make sure there are no tourists there.
Today, after my meetings, he asked me if I was sure I still wanted to go...
I did and we went to this small market that had clothes, pots and other household products but also these 3-4 stalls which had exactly what I wanted. The mad bargaining started but because these were not touristy focused sellers, they didn't speak English so Mr Driver became Mr translator for a while (he got a good tip).
I'm sure I overpaid anyway and pretty sure the driver made some commission from the sellers for bringing me there, but hell, I'm happy, they're happy, driver's happy = win-win-win situation, how well can one do in 15 min? ;-)
And to top it all off, the 'no-lady-no-man' person (that's what Mr Driver called them) walked past and blessed everyone present (for a small fee, of course).
Soundrack for today: "No woman no cry" B. Marley - I don't like reggae (I really don't, I'm not listing another song) but for some reason the above mentioned 'no-lady-no-man' made me think of this song.

PS I know I'm not great at taking photos...
PS2 I've just had a comment - less writing and more photos - you celeb-mag junkie, this isn't Playboy! ;-P

Still alive here!

And I've been to places I don't want to return to, so I feel like I'm experiencing 'real' India!
I was visiting offices of some people my employer works with in Delhi. Usually, when I did this while working for my previous employer (I promise this is not going to get complicated but I don't want to name them since this blog represents my views entirely and not those of any past, present or future employers...), I would get a taxi from the hotel to an address given to me in an email. Most of the time this address would be in Mandarin or Arabic, so I wouldn't have a clue what it said until the taxi driver would point at some building and I would wonder about until I found what I was looking for.
OK, I'm sure it sounds clueless but it worked well so far.
In India of course (I'm saying 'of course' since the Brits colonised the place and so English is still widely used... or so I thought) all signs, street names etc are in English and for some strange reason I thought all would be easy.
But today for a reason my wise horrorscope predicted (yes the 'rr' is intentional), I decided to waste somebody elses money and booked a car (with a driver) for the entire day (as a tangent - now that would be a comedy - me in a car, automatic of course, sans driver, in India!)
And boy was I glad I did (have a driver with me, of course, I wasn't driving - no license)?!!
The place I ended up in was a multitude of high rise towers with masses and masses of people, these rabid looking dogs and more interest in 'the foreigner' than I felt comfortable with. To keep with the theme of using TV/film references, think the harshest Baltimore 'Towers' in the "Wire" but a bit more hallucogenic nightmare in the mix.
If I arrived in a taxi, if the horroscope didn't warn me of day where I'd "find it hard to achieve my goals" (I thought it would just be traffic jams), the driver would have left me there and I would have had to find my own way and fend for myself. Luckily I had my driver with me, God bless him, who found all these offices for me by asking people who stared at me and laughed and even in one case ran away after looking at me (though I must admit I'm a bit used to that).
I'm sure that at some point in my time in the 'Bad Mushroom Towers', we went into the bowels of every of these high rise towers. And don't take the reference to bowels lightly... the smell and left over human origin minefield made me doubt if these places had any plumbing or if leaving your erm... refuse behind was some type of turf graffiti markings.
I was so glad that I had someone with me (Mr Driver) who could navigate this new terrain. He commented later that it was an awful part of Delhi and he didn't like going there.
Well neither did I.

I am shocked at being so disloyal to my own prejudices ... but... I think China is cleaner and erm... maybe safer... and ahm... maybe tiny bit nicer? Oh dear... what am I saying? I still do think people seem more genuine here - friendlier, though with a bit of an abandoned mental hospital in a post-apocalyptic winter, kind of a way...

Below is a video I took of the nicer parts. Notice the men pushing a 4wd car and jumping into it? That's the local law - so glad they didn't have to rescue me and get away quickly... ;-)
Also apparently 75% of cars run on LP gas - that's why there's no pollution, explained the driver... (yeah - ???)
My nice driver also took his tour very seriously and decided to give me a cultural tour of India as well. He told me about the life in India and about his wife and what she does all day, in detail -for example she makes tea at 8am and it's usually Assam tea as it's their favourite and in the evening she watches some Indian soap where all the women cry a lot... I like Assam too - the Champagne of teas - as it is known among the people who know their teas (that's myself and Sally, a girl I used to work with...) And I know a friend of mine who watches that soap - "Bold and Beautiful", right?
Then he told me about his sons - how one of them is about marry into his arranged marriage (which he is happy about by the way, all you nay-sayers, I can hear you out there!) and we had a brief discussion about the pros and cons of arranged vs Western style relationships - not that either of us knew what the other was about... But since it is valentines day - Happy Arranged Valentines Day to you all! :-)


Apparently the video works! :-)

Staying at the Matrix

I've had my first three flights - packed planes, weird entertainment choices and the worst - snorers close by (I feel like yelling in their ears in frustration!). I couldn't sleep much and was in a documentary mood and ended up watching:

• a doco on the British army involvement in the Northern Ireland conflict (oh yeah couldn't miss that one even though I've seen it before),
• the “Inside Job” about the financial industry and how it contributed to the global financial crisis,
• a show about the assassination of Martin Luther King, and finally...
• mock film about Joaquin Pheonix’s signing career (he’s got eyes that melt my soul, but what a waste of 1.5 hrs that was and the otherwise super talented Casey Affleck - wtf?)

My flights all ran into each other and so from Canberra onwards I had to run to make the Sydney-Singapore flight which then arrived late in SIN and that delayed the Delhi flight, so in the end I was so tired that when I faced the pure MASS of people at passport control, I almost cried (this was after mostly sleepless travel next to an evil snoring man, at 3am Delhi time, mind you, probably a relaxed Sunday breakfast for all of you – yeah I have a fantastic job!).
So I stood in the shortest line, which I magically predicted would go faster than all the others (if you will things to happen they do, don’t they?) and I started to count the people in front of me – 1, 2, many, too many… Anyway it was 5am by the time I got to the hotel.

Now for the India part… Well it’s polluted. So far it’s as bad as China, Beijing at it’s worse really, maybe even worse (India HAS to be better than China though!). Even in the middle of the night, I couldn’t see further than 100m because of the smog. And it was both inside and outside, I couldn’t breathe well and this morning I washed the scarf I was wearing on the Singapore-Delhi flight and until I reached the hotel, the water was the colour of the smog. Aaah but you get that in the big wide world…

Straight outside the airport the first contrast of the wealthy and the poor starts. A shanty town straight out of the airport carpark - one with tents, shacks, open fires around which people sit to warm themselves, and masses of rubbish. I was glad I was in a car with a driver who knew where he was going.
The hotel is massive and has this empty interior with rooms surrounding the empty space – I think it’s supposed to be impressive but for some reason it reminds me of the Matrix – the human batteries ‘real world’ part. The inside of the room is Matrix crossed with eXistenZ - an alpine chalet feel with wooden floors, walls and furniture but outside is smoggy Delhi – what is reality?

I’m getting used to the no drinking of water part too although I almost swallowed water in the shower and then almost washed the toothbrush with tap water too. Hard to remember the ‘spit not swallow’ rules! Ha ha.. ;-)

I am now getting over my minor jetlag and watching the ‘I see dead people’ film, I can’t remember the title but ya’ll know what I mean - the scary little boy and Bruce Willis. I so often end up watching some scary film in some weird country!? Although nothing beats watching “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” (or something of that type) in some Arab country and then the lights going out in the hotel! Oh dear, I think I slept with the lights on for a week after that!

I also remember that episode of Law and Order SVU from Season 2, Manhunt, that had me with night lights throughout the house for a month… It’s so great to have an active imagination, right?

Current soundtrack – “She Brings the Rain” Can, haven’t quite analyzed the reasons as to why that’s playing in my head yet… And on the decks, or so to speak, is the “Future Days” Can album which I’m still getting to know, but damn it’s already soooo good!
OK work starts tomorrow so I’ll let you know what real India looks like. Here from the window - the 2 towers at the smog horizon is the Presidential Palace ("with 300 rooms for our first lady" as the driver told me last night) and the round building just to the erm... right... of the PP is the Parliament of India.
Oh and my favourite channel in the world is on TV - Deutche Welle - how many hours in China did I spend with DW as my background noise pretending to be elsewhere... :-)

and so it starts, again...

It all started quite eventfully already. Somehow when I left my room to get a drink the door slammed shut and locked from inside the room. And so with about 15 minutes to go I was standing outside my room (with everything inside of course) locked out and unable to get back in. I thought all inside doors had some sort of unlocking mechanism but this door didn't.
I had these visions of myself trying to break the door down and I'm sure it's not as easy as it sounds... Or perhaps calling a locksmith or whoever does that sort of thing and getting them to open the door for me - but I hate calling people on the phone and my phone was on the other side of the door anyway!
Luckily I'm crafty... So I found my housemates' tool box in the laundry (God bless IKEA!) and used these stylish orange tools to unscrew the handle and unlock the door from the outside. All in less time than it took me to write this!
And I am on my way - Canberra airport still but luckily out of the house! ;-)